I had a melt-down on Monday night. What triggered it isn’t really important, but it made me realise something big.
I don’t feel like I’m being good enough.
My plate is over-full at the moment and I feel like there is very little I can do to remove anything from it. I’m quite concerned that I am doing a half-ass job of everything. I can be a good wife and good daughter at the expense of being a great teacher. I can focus on my relationship with Papa M and get everything up to date at work and then I don’t get to spend time with my Mum (who is living with terminal cancer). I can be an awesome teacher and spend time with family, whilst neglecting my marriage… you get the gist. Don’t even start adding being a friend into the mix, most of my friends I haven’t seen or really spoken to since the wedding three weeks ago.
What’s a girl to do? What does my heart say? The thing that matters least to me has to be my job. Don’t get me wrong, I’m glad I’m a teacher but it doesn’t have a higher priority than my marriage or my family. I can’t just leave it though – we’ve got financial goals to meet and we cannot do that on Papa M’s income alone. While I loved the brief period of unemployment I had at the end of last year, it’s not realistic to expect that we could lose my income and still meet the savings goals we have. Yet if work is the thing that has to give, how is this possible?
It hit me like a bag of rocks at about 1:00am Tuesday morning – as a lot of my big ideas do. I have to be OK with the idea of “average”, I have to be OK with mediocrity. I think one of my favourite bloggers, Sarah Von, said it well:
I spend huge amounts of time trying to become Totally Phenomenal at things which I am Already Pretty Effing Good At.
I also agree with her statement that most people who know me in real life will know that I’m a Grade-A Tryhard. Does it matter at this point in my life if I’m an adequate teacher instead of a great one? If the kids learn the content but not the greater lessons of life? Can I be average for a while and stop trying to be the Dangerous Minds-y, Freedom Writer-y, making-the-world-a-better-place-one-delinquent-at-a-time uberteacher? It’s going to be a hard road for this perfectionist, but I owe it to myself and my mental health to try and let go of this ideal, at least for now.