Yes, I just used a Spiderman movie quote in a post about death… that’s how I roll.
Death has been on my mind a lot lately. That sounds far more sinister than it is… I haven’t been thinking about my death in particular, just how finite our time on this planet is. Dr Jared Noel, an amazing father and human being, passed away last week after an incredible battle with bowel cancer. I got to know Jared through Twitter as we had children at around the same time. His beautiful daughter was born the month before CJ and I was so happy that he was still alive to meet her. We had our faith in common, though I fear that he bore through the challenges to his with much more strength than I have with mine. And of course, we could tweet about the rough stuff, the end-stage cancer stuff and I’d like to think that I helped him a bit with explaining how mum had coped as things started to go downhill fast. As much as it was clear that the end was coming, I’ll openly admit to the tears falling when I found out about his passing, for someone that I only ever virtually met. He was so strong and so open about fighting for every single moment that he could spend with his wife and daughter, it was really inspiring.
Then there was this video that has been doing the rounds of social media:
Brittany Maynard is my age and she’s choosing to die in less than a month’s time. Would I do the same in her position? I don’t know. If you’d asked me before I’d had CJ, the answer would almost certainly have been yes. Seeing my mother decline so quickly from her body going into septic shock will be something that stays with me forever, and I certainly wouldn’t have wished her the alternative as her liver slowly poisoned the rest of her body. Choosing a time to slip away peacefully, once it was certain that there was no hope of a cure, sounds far better than both the other options. But now I have a son, and I’m not sure that I could take away a day of my life that I could be spending with him, regardless of the pain. He grows and changes so much day to day and, god willing, I want to be there to see him as a grown man.
I know that I think about death probably more than the average person. Every time I put CJ to bed, the last thing I tell him is that I love him very much because if he were to die, I would want that to be the last thing I ever said to him. I have worried about SIDS/SUDI probably far more than is healthy because I know that you can do everything right and people still die. As a Christian I believe that this mortal plain is not our only form of existence but loving Papa M and having CJ feels like my heart is walking round outside my body and I’d struggle to move on with life if they weren’t here. That’s why I treasure that Spiderman quote so much – knowing that none of us will be around forever makes me value the moments that we do have together and never take anything for granted.