Or more specifically, now I am thirty.
Me not caring that I look like a “crack fiend” according to my husband 😂Crazy Eyes!
This isn’t a new thing, almost half a year has flown by since I turned the big 3-0. But I feel like some time in the last six months this massive switch has been flicked in my brain and I feel so much clarity about things that I used to feel so conflicted about in my twenties. I really can’t explain it. I used to be so caught up in all of my baggage and past mistakes and suddenly I feel immensely free.
I have so much less time for bullshit. I confronted someone that I thought was treating me unfairly. Twenties Me would have been terrified of the outcome, but Thirties Me was more pragmatic. If someone has an unreasonable view of you and isn’t willing to change, isn’t it better to know that? So you can plan accordingly? It’s really given me the confidence to get out there and seek the situations that I really want for both me and my family.
I couldn’t care less about being cool. This was such a hangover from my high school days where, I’m sorry to break it to you, I definitely wasn’t cool. At first a little nerdy, later on hanging out with the smokers but never one of the A-Team. I spent too much of my Twenties thinking about being cool. Buying on-trend clothing that didn’t suit, or that I’d never have the occasion to wear. Buying nail polishes that I can’t even apply to my own nails, buying bold shades of eyeshadows I’d never use. Thirties Me knows her style. Timeless dresses and top/pant combos for the office, more often than not a hoodie and yoga pants outside of that. Thank god I’m not a fashion blogger right? I may not look completely flawless but I can put my “going out” make up on in ten minutes or less and I’m okay with that. I’d much rather eat at the latest restaurant then buy the latest model in shoes.
I’m more confident about my body. Is it where I would want it to be? Of course not. I blog about that on here. But I’m okay with my body the way it is. Do I wish I couldn’t already see the fine lines developing in the corner of my eyes? Sure. Do I wish that my stomach skin wasn’t a little stretched (and I can’t just blame CJ for that)? Yup, that too. But I can love myself in the skin I’m in and that, I think, makes me all around a more loveable person. I liken myself to a project car – sure there’s some work to be done on the body, but the engine is amazing and the flaws don’t stop me being a pretty good machine.
I’m more confident about my love. This is hard for me to admit but a couple of my exes really did a number on me. In respect for them, because they can’t consent to what I write, I won’t go into specifics. But I brought into my marriage a whole bunch of hang ups… first and foremost that eventually he would leave me for someone else. And anything that fed into that ridiculous point of view – arguments, appreciative comments about other women, even the thought that he might fantasise about someone else – would freak me out. Fun for him, right? Couldn’t even say one of my friends was wearing a nice dress without me giving him the side eye. But you know what? I believe in amazing connections with people of all genders. Some people become close friends. Some become lovers. And I’m lucky enough to have one become my husband. I don’t believe in soul mates, I believe that we choose to nurture that connection and that’s what keeps us together. Not him having blinkers on. If he can consider another woman beautiful but still choose solely to be with me, isn’t that beautiful in its own right?
It feels great yet weird that I have all this awareness within such a short space of time. It literally feels like I’m walking out of a cloud. It does make me feel like whatever crazy insane stuff life throws at me – because we all know that life is what happens when you are making other plans – I’ll know how to deal with it, sort it or fix it. I’m not under the illusion that this next decade will be easy, but with this clarity and self-confidence it’s got to be easier on my poor beleaguered brain.
Anyone else having these revelations? Just me?